Recently, I have been having this dream. In the dream, I killed myself and reborn after a few minutes. I was impressed with these and I googled. It could be a symbolic sign that things are ending, changing and new beginnings will start afresh. It is a symbolic association with the end of how you used to be. Sometimes life is very difficult to create what you want.
Maybe my self-conscious is hinting me to be Myself. Why do I say so? Let me kick start with a short introduction of myself and my family. I was born in the early 90’s. I am the eldest in my family. My parents (especially my mum) are very traditional. Everything that we do or choose, we must follow her protocol. I interpreted those actions as control freak.
When I was young, I used to think to become a teacher, doctor, writer, sportswoman, author, and artist. She told me that, these jobs were not going to earn much (except for doctor) and she will disagree and will not recognize me anymore if I choose to be one of them. End up, I choose to be an Engineer (because of full scholarship given).
I felt imbalance especially she treated me and my siblings differently. I was chosen to be a sportswomen back in my primary and secondary school. However, she asked me to turn down the offer as she did not have leisure time to fetch me after the practice. She asked me to join those society which suit her convenient time. I always told myself it’s okay, I just need a society to fulfill those requirements.
I used to write a diary last time because I wanted to be an author. What she did was, she read my diary every night. If she was mentioned in the diary, I will be scold or nag the next day. End up, I don’t write diary anymore because I don’t want to let her know what I am thinking and I don’t want to be scold. Besides, no matter what I did, she will always has negative comments. Hence, in order for me to make my life peacefully, I started to lock myself in no where.
Finally, it is the time for me to back to basics. But I was lost. I don’t know where to start from. Mr Google gives me some guidance. This will be my tasks.
- Think about all the times in your life when you felt you had to be “on,” when you couldn’t be honest with how you really felt, when you chose to pretend to be someone you weren’t. What’s the cause of that?
- If I were to ask you to describe yourself, could you talk about your strengths and weaknesses with confidence? (In other words, do you know who you really are?)
- Are you always the same in how you act regardless of the situation you’re in?
- When you are around others, do you ever feel strained and uncomfortable and find it hard to relax?
- Has anyone ever told you that they thought you were one way, but then when they got to know you better, realized you were another way?
- Has anyone ever commented on how you act differently around various people?
- Do you ever act like you don’t care what others think, but deep down it really stings when others judge or reject you?
- Do you ever pretend to like someone you really don’t?
- What might some of your masks be? The “I’ve got it all together” mask? The “I’m a victim mask”? Think about different situations in your life—work, school, church, home, with friends, with family, etc. What mask might emerge during those times?